Monday, April 13, 2015


time does funny things,
its completely intangible 
and yet nothing goes untouched.
its always there 
tick-a-tocking away. 
time used to terrify me.
when Lily came home on TPN and with a trach
i actually took down all the clocks in our little apartment
because the sound of the ticking would haunt me every night.
the greedy second hand was a background in all my dreams
It was completely out of my control, and i knew that,
I couldn't afford to be distracted by how much time we had
(or according to the Dr's)
did not have....
I needed to live in the here and now
I needed to learn to focus on every single moment,
to cherish it.

As Lily got sicker and sicker
we learned to be present. 
Not to dwell on the past and 
(as much as was possible)
not to fret what the future would bring.
And then on the worst day of my life thus far,
time stood still.
it dragged on and on and on 
and all i could do was stand there and pray and watch my little girl suffer
and then from the grief of it all 
I began to feel the horrific gut splitting pains that were months to early to feel for the little one in my womb.
I now was not only praying for the life of one of my children but for two.
And time dragged on.
It felt as if a lifetime passed.
and i prayed
and prayed.
And God heard my prayers. 
Miracles were made.
Within the next 9 months we had 2 new additions to our family.
Lily started getting better, 
Our foster son had many medical difficulties 
but was making steady progress 
and our bio-son Aiden was born perfectly healthy.
And as things were improving
time,that sneaky clever fox, sped up.
Before i knew it 2 years had passed.
And our family was thriving.

Sometimes its as if Time is curious about our grief and hardships
so it stops to watch 
but when things are going great for us
 its as if time feels bored and wants to fast forward to the next 
dramatic moment.
And as it speeds past and our lives are filling with more and more
I realized I needed that tick tock of the second hand
to remind me, in those quiet moments,
of how far we have come
and how good it can be to
simply live in the present.
So yes time still passes for us.
I see it every time i look in the mirror,
every time i get my babies out of bed in the morning and they
look less and less like babies
And now that experience ,
or more like nessecity, has taught us to live fully in the here and now
Time can pass
and I will cherish every sweet moment
and learn from every heartache along the way.