Finding Joy in the Journey/ stay #22

Lily was home for a total of 7 days this time!!!

WOO HOO!

We made it a whole WEEK!!!

But as nice as it was to be home it was a bit of a tough week...

Lily was hurting and EXHAUSTED

She would have spurts of energy 

but then collapse in exhaustion and pain.

Shes been sleeping 18-20 hours a day...

Mostly, when she is awake. she has just been laying in my arms or sitting on her chair...

She just doesn't have any energy.

Then she started not tolerating her feeds again.

She would curl up in a ball shaking and screaming.

I called the Dr and we tried desperately to manage it from home...

We took her off formula and tried pedialyte

but it only worked for a few hours

and  then her blood sugar dropped.

So we went to 1/2 strength formula

It worked for a little while but her blood sugar didn't like it

We tried 3/4 strength and it didn't work at all.

Finally Monday morning she wasn't even tolerating 1/2 strength

And her blood sugar was all over the place 

And her heart rate kept jumping up to the 230's...

even while she was fast asleep...

We went to the ER

Where they ruled out all the easy fix things

(its never an easy fix with her)

and then they admitted her.

Her blood sugars have been all over the place since we got here

but they seemed to have finally found an IV mixture that is keeping them stable.

Also, as soon as we  stopped the feeds her pain stopped.

She hasn't had anything fed to her for about 36 hours now

and she is soooo much happier.

She is still exhausted.

But she isn't hurting.

Now the big problem is figuring out what to do.

The Doctors are out of ideas.

All 8 of them flat out said

They had NO IDEA what to do next.

It scares me...

How will we feed my child?

I must admit it is really unnerving when experienced Doctors

look you in the eyes and say

"I don't ever say this but I have no clue what to do."

I honestly lately have been at a loss for words.

I spend much more time staring at the screen grasping for the words

to explain whats going on than I do actually typing.

I just lately don't possess words for how I feel...

I have noticed my posts have become much more technical and factual.

Its just that I don't even know how to express how I feel about any of it.

I am in a constant state of mixed emotions.

I am so so sorrowful at seeing Lily suffer

and so so so extremely happy that she is alive, that she is my child.

I find pure joy in the simplest things.

I still laugh often.

I smile daily.

And almost always the smiles are genuine.

But my stomach is in a constant knot.

I am constantly waiting for the next thing to go wrong.

I miss being able to make plans and feel like I will actually be able to carry them out.

I hate CONSTANTLY canceling.

We live in a constant state of upheaval.

However, 

through the help of The Lord,

it has forced me to live in the present.

Even sitting here in the hospital

watching her sleeping peacefully 

listening to my favorite Pandora station on headphones and 

blogging therapeutically,

I feel Joy.

 Pure Joy.

That can only come through the Lords mercy.

If I focus to much on the future

I am almost frozen with fear,

If I focus on the past

I become a blubbering buffoon.

So I live here and now.

And I search out the little blisses

that God sends my way.

The sweet rhythmic breathing of my baby girl,

the happy beats of my favorite song,

 The comfort I feel wrapping around me as I pray.

The smiles and encouraging words of our favorite PCT's

The simple feeling of breathing deeply,

and the realization that 

I actually have EVERYTHING I ever wanted.

ALL I ever wanted was to have a LOVING husband,

who would stand by me through good and bad,

 to be a mom,

to have love reflected in my child's eyes,

To have a roof over our heads,

To have friends who help and support us during times of trial.

To be Free to worship according to the dictates of my own heart and soul.

I Prayed and prayed and prayed for all of this,

so how can I complain at the bumps in the road that come with it?

I have been TRULY blessed.

And with a greater understanding of sorrow comes an even greater understanding of Happiness.

We cannot know one without the other.

So, even though things are difficult 

I am eternally grateful for the life I have been blessed with.

Everyone has trials.

I am not exempt, nor do I expect to be.

And in this moment

this very moment 

with the light fading light casting colors onto the floor,

with every beat of my heart matching the rise and fall of Lily's chest...

I must admit

I feel JOY.

And it is All because of the tender Mercy of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.